Five Words

Thoughtful? vs. Nice?

Nearly eight years ago, I moved in with my brother & his family so that I could save for a down payment on my townhouse. My sister-in-law, Heather, and I were already good friends by that point. But, over the course of that year, we became much closer. We cooked, cleaned, and exercised together. She would come into my room after her kids were in bed; we'd sit on my goose-down bed, talking & laughing for hours.

I can't remember when, but one particular night we stayed up late talking like best friends at a slumber party. At some point in the conversation, she told me something that completely shocked me. Five little words, but the phrase spoke volumes to me; she simply said, "You're thoughtful but not nice". And it was not shared in malice or as an insult; she was simply sharing the view from her perspective. If it had come from anyone else, the friendship would have been seriously damaged, if not completely destroyed. But not with Heather; although somewhat hurt by the comment, her brutal honesty made me sit up and think - how do I come across to people? How does what I do affect others? How do I become NICE?

Years earlier, we had attended high school together and more than a few people thought I was stuck-up. Heather even thought so back then. I heard it a lot from people; things like, "before I got to know you, I thought you were a snob" or "you are so much nicer than I thought". The idea that I seemed mean to someone is personally painful to consider; I came across enough mean girls in school to know that that kind of treatment didn't feel good.

Truth be told, I was painfully shy back then - and (although some may not believe it) sometimes, I still am. I love doing things for others whether it's baking cupcakes, writing a note or creating a craft project - but that is more the THOUGHTFUL side of things, I suppose. Or maybe it's nice too, who knows? I've tried to figure out how I am not nice, and what I can do to change. Try as I might, I feel I often fall short. And those five little words hover in my subconcious as a painful reminder of my many deficiencies.

So, why share this now? Maybe she was right, maybe she was wrong - I don't know for sure. Dwelling on one's faults is not the best use of time, but her words, all of these years later, continue to haunt me. When I do something for someone, in the back of my head, I finding myself asking the question: "is this being nice or just thoughtful?". I guess I shouldn't care what others think of me; that's very much a high-school mentality. But at the heart of the matter, I want to be better and want to be both... if that's even possible.