All That She Wants

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." ~ Louisa May Alcott

I don't know how or why it happened, but I feel like a fire has been lit beneath me. It's time to emerge and really start pushing myself, reaching for those goals that have been simmering patiently on the back-burner of my mind.

I want to do things. I want to make a difference. I want to be more kind. I want to be a better mother, a better wife. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to create something grand.

From a work standpoint, I'm sure the catalyst for this renewed passion comes from the rumor of layoffs. Librarians have it particularly bad these days, and especially if you are in the private sector. In a hospital desperately seeking to be "in the black", I'm not making one red cent. Adding value, yes - but I am not one of those coveted cost-generating departments. Not wanting to be one of the slack-jawed, pink-slip holding hordes, I made some calls, set up some meetings, and threw my proverbial hat in the ring. Suddenly, I'm helping to plan and present at a huge meeting of physicians in a couple of weeks - just like *that* (snap o' the fingers). The director in charge applauded my "enthusiasm"; I see it as a quick & clever attempt to make myself indispensable.

I want to be the kind of mother you read about on those blogs or see in movies. The one where the mother awakes with a broad smile, perfectly-coiffed hair and a pink ruffled apron, ready to bust out silver dollar pancakes and freshly-squeezed orange juice for her ravenous brood. I'm not that lady - and maybe I don't really want to be her. I'm rarely perfectly coiffed, don't squeeze my oranges and I don't own a pink apron - but I can make my kiddo squeal with delight, fix a mean piece of toast, and play a fiercely competitive game of hide-& go-seek. More than anything, I want to be a mom whose kid knows that with our love and support, he can conquer the world.

I want to do stuff I love. Last weekend, I think I hit the pinnacle in my baking efforts. Someone gave me money to bake my signature cupcakes. It was a labor of love and I wanted this order to be perfect. I tossed out a deep fudge batch that didn't rise enough because I took them out too early (I absolutely detest dry cake, which happens with overbaking). I usually hate eating what I bake, but had to do quality control to make sure they were moist. The result? The cake - without any frosting - melted in your mouth. Cooled and swirled with frosting, they were delivered to the party house where they were later served at a baby shower for an expectant mother in our ward. Several women caught me during church yesterday, grasped my arm and exclaimed with childlike glee: "those were the best cupcakes I've ever eaten - ever!" Maybe more business is coming my way... you never know.

I've caught the singing bug and I want to sing. Yesterday, I went to ward choir practice where we polished an arrangement of "I Am a Child of God", which we'll sing with the primary children. I've missed the last several practices due to illness, but it felt like home to get up there and sing. A couple hours later I went to our stake choir practice, something I haven't done in years. But I went and it was awesome. We are singing "On This Day of Joy & Gladness", "How Will They Know", "True to the Faith" and "This is the Christ". They were more difficult arrangements than the typical hymn you could look through once and perform in church the next week. They will take time and a lot of practicing. These songs require knowledge of theory, counting, proper breathing, phrasing and dynamics; things I haven't had to think about since my days in our high school women's choir. I'm ready to flex my brain and eke out the memory of all things musical - and you know, it's going to be great. Late breaking news: things are also in the works to sing in church sometime, somewhere; for those that know me, this is an exciting, yet scary proposition!

For now, those are some of the these I want, and am actively working to achieve. It feels good to have so many goals and to be actively working towards them.